I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
