I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
