Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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