Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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