I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
