My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
