just tell him i said nine months
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
