she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
These tits shall not be calmed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
