I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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