You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
