Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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