I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
