i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
