Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pants are for mortals
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
