Me. At least after what I've been through.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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