grandma shit on top of the toilet
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize