we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
50% drunk capacity currently
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
