he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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