I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
