I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
