i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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