when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
