Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
