Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
40s are totally the cure
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
