I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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