Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
