Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
