I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
