i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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