nut hugger
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
