His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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