You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
