Can i not drive my cunt home
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
