Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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