I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
