I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
