I think i peed on brittanys purse
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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