he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
