So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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