i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
