what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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