First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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