boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize