Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
