my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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