tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
there is glitter all over my balls
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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