i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
