i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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