Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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