I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
