My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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