how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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