I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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