Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
handjob tips. give me some.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
