A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
there's paper in my vomit.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
