i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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