You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
