oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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